Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
