So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
