i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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