Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
