So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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