Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
