Just fell off a train. Bad.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
