just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize