when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
