Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
