hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize