I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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