i jhust puked up my retainher.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
