i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
