i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
