i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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