I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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