fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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