I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
