That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think I died a long time ago.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
