the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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