Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
