just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
