that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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