Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
i need some magic done to my vagina
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