So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
