The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
