Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
