I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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