I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
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