I accidentally burped into my bong.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
