I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Randomize
