i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
