My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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