The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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