ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
