New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize