Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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