Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize