Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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