If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
