Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Im part way to drunk.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
