is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
