And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
