I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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