im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
