When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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