i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize