Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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