He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
