If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
