I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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