Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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