just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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