His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
