Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
