if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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